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We just recently celebrated my son's 3rd birthday! Wow, it's crazy to think about how fast this time has gone by. Looking back on that day, I'm filled with joy and gratefulness. But not just because my first son was born. That was the day both of our lives were saved. It's a day I'll hold near and dear to my heart for more reasons than one. A day that cements a bond between my son and I that can't be put into words...
It Started Out Rough...
I had a rough pregnancy with my son. I say rough because my prior 2 pregnancies had been rather uneventful. At 10-weeks, the Dr. was unable to find his heartbeat, sending us into a mad frenzy. We would later find out that this was just a precursor to his very nature...sending mommy and daddy into a flagrant frenzy at any given moment.
We also found out early on that I had Placenta Previa. Placenta Previa is where the placenta lies lower in the uterus and either partially or completely covers the cervix. This can cause complications and usually results in being put on bed rest. Many times, if it's not resolved, it can result in the baby being born by cesarean. Thankfully, it corrected itself during my 3rd trimester.
Things Were Looking Up...
I went into labor 4 days past my due date, in the wee hours of the morning. My husband was working overnights at that point so I called him to let him know...It was time!
When we got to the hospital, the staff began monitoring my contractions and admitted me soon after. I was so excited because this was my first pregnancy where I was going into labor naturally! (I had to be induced with my two prior births.) I'd been praying for this moment the entire pregnancy. I wanted so badly to go into labor naturally and give birth to my baby unassisted. I was so happy things were going according to my hearts desire!
We were there less than 30 minutes before things took a drastic turn...
It's Amazing How Quickly Things Can Turn...
The nurses had noticed that they were having a hard time getting a reading on his heartrate. They had me switch sides and positions to see if that improved the connection but, after several failed attempts, they decided to insert a probe that would be attached to his head. This would allow them to monitor his heartrate. The nurse went in to break my water...
I don't remember much of what happened after this point. All I remember is the nurse yelling. She jumped on top of me and shoved her hand up inside of me. I was in extreme pain at this point so I don't recall what they were saying but a whole host of nurses flooded into my birthing room. They started wheeling me and the nurse (who was still on top of me) out. I recall hearing the OR room.
I remember looking for my husband and not being able to find him anywhere.
Did This Really Just Happen?
I was wheeled into a large cold room. There had to have been a good 15 people or more in there. I looked around. I must've been in shock. Everything was moving so fast. I knew at this point that I was about to have surgery. The nurse remained on top of me while the doctors prepped for surgery. The last thing I remember is a nurse standing over me with a mask on my face. She told me to breath deeply and when I woke up my baby would be here. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. The last thing I said before I went under was, "God, I know you will take care of us. I trust you."
I woke up some time later in a small, cold room. I assumed it was a recovery room. To say things were hazy would be an understatement. I was dazed and confused and the pain...oh the pain was...indescribable.
The doctor had explained to me that I had a prolapsed cord. Essentially, when the nurse broke my water, my sons umbilical cord began descending down the birth canal. It was being pinched off by his head which meant he wasn't getting the oxygen he needed.
When I was finally able to come to some sort of focus, I saw my husband standing next to me, holding our little bundle of joy. I was numb...
Is What I'm FeelingNormal Right Now?
My husband asked me if I wanted to hold him.
I just shook my head...and I burst into tears.
I can't describe what I was feeling in that moment because the truth is...I have no idea what I was feeling. All I know is that I was feeling an intense emotion that I was struggling to communicate. It could've been the heavy sedation or perhaps the extreme pain. I was most certainly still in shock....disbelief...
To this day I can't imagine not wanting to hold him. I don't think I'll ever understand my reasoning but I try not to be to hard on myself...I was traumatized...
It's An Unspeakable...Something...
When I finally did agree to hold him, all I could do was cry. I was immediately overcome with a barrage of emotions. I was, of course, enamored by this precious baby I held in my arms. I couldn't even make out his sweet little face through the pool of tears in my eyes but I could feel his warmth...his little heart beating strong...I was grateful he was alive.
This would be the perfect time to say I was filled with insurmountable joy. But, the truth is, I wasn't feeling joy in that moment. The pain suffocated any feeling of joy I may have been experiencing. I was grateful, yes, but I felt robbed. Robbed of that moment I cherished so much, when my eyes first meet theirs, that moment when we connect for the first time and everything else seizes to exist. Everything is at peace in that moment. But there was no peace...
The doctor would come in about every 10-20 minutes to push on my stomach. The pain was so excruciating all I could do was scream. I felt like I was dying. All I could think was, "Please, for the love of God, just knock me out!"
The Hospital Stay Was...Eventful...
We were in the hospital a total of 4 days and the majority of it is a blur to me now. I remember those 4 days being miserable for me. Not only had I just had a major surgery but I had a cold as well. I was so scared that I was going to get my newborn sick. I was, for all I knew, dying...with a cold...and I was struggling to breath because my nose was so congested.
Not to mention, I was hallucinating from the pain meds. I remember laying in bed...the baby was asleep and hubby was dozing in and out of an exhausted stupor. I looked over at the door and I kid you not there was dog food stacked from floor to ceiling. I don't even have a dog so...yeah...it made no sense why someone would bring a heap ton of dog food to MY room. I turned to my husband and was like "Who brought all this dog food in here?" He just kind of looked at me. It was in that moment I realized how ridiculous I sounded..."Never mind".
After that, the nursing staff began falling behind on my pain medication. I would wake up in excruciating pain. I didn't leave my bed at all the first day. By the second day, the staff insisted I try to go to the bathroom.
The nurse told me she couldn't help me walk to the bathroom...still not sure why that is...but thankfully my husband never left my side. He was able to help me. Getting up out of that bed was...indescribably torturous. I bawled all the way to the bathroom. By the time I reached the bathroom door, the pain was so bad that I blacked out.
Maybe I just have a low tolerance for pain but I can honestly say I have NEVER felt pain like that before in my life. Giving birth was a cake walk compared to what I was feeling in that moment.
Things Do Get Better...
By the 4th day, things had improved drastically. I was still in a good amount of pain but I was at least able to walk without passing out. Generally, I like to get out of the hospital as quickly as possible because I know we have our other kids waiting for us at home. But this time around, I seriously considered staying another day... I wanted to...I NEEDED to...but ultimately, we decided to go home.
A Blessing in Disguise
February 22, 2014 changed my life forever. I learned a lot about myself...my strengths...my weaknesses. It made me grateful for so many things...grateful that I serve the one true living God...grateful for life and the many blessing I have...grateful that my son's life was spared...grateful for a husband that has never left my side...grateful for the 3 kids I was told I'd never have...just grateful...blessed...
I never imagined I would ever have to have a cesarean. It was hard...it was scary. But Yah brought my son and I through it and I'm a stronger woman because of it.
If you're facing a cesarean or worried that you may have to have one, I want to encourage you. I'm not going to say it won't happen but I will tell you that...if you do...you can get through it. Know that Yah works all things together for the good of those who love Him. My emergency cesarean was worked together for my good...the spiritual benefit of going through this experience far outweighed the benefit of having my son MY way. Yah's ways are greater than my ways and ultimately...His way brought me closer to Him. Trust Him, no matter what your circumstances look like...
Until Next Time, Shalom!
Thank you for allowing me to share my experience with you. I hope you found it encouraging! If you enjoy encouraging words, take a moment to subscribe to my Good Word Newsletter for encouragement straight to your inbox! You will get a link to download my FREE scripture printable pack with sign up!
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Hi there! My name is Brittany...helpmeet to T.J. and homeschooling mom to 5 little blessings. Memoirs Of A Good Thing is a ministry that is cultivating encouragement, support, and faith through the testimonies of women! Read more about my journey and the Memoirs of a Good Thing ministry here!